Perfectionism + College

I’m in my last semester of college, and I still haven’t gotten over dealing with being a perfectionist over school. It’s something I’ve increasingly struggled with over the last four years, and it’s driven me to the breaking point numerous times. The other day I saw that I got a B on a group project I’d turned in before spring break, and I’ll be honest- I was really upset with myself. Because immediately I started beating myself up- thinking over what I did wrong, what I could have improved on, how I could’ve spent more time on the project. That’s the place I’ve gotten to in college. If it’s not A’s, then it’s not good enough for me. And sure, that might look good on paper- I’m on the Dean’s list, and in the Honor’s Society, just like I’ve been all throughout college. But what that actually transfers to is not having a social life, living for school/work/studying, staying up until 2am every night working on homework. Perfectionism is the thief of joy, and you are your own harshest critic. The truth is that for me perfectionism over my studies is just a form of trying to have control over something in my life. I’ve struggled with failure schemas for years in school- always telling myself I’m not smart, I’m not good enough, believing I have to work twice as hard as everyone else if I want to make the grades. As a senior, down to my last eight weeks in college, I’m working on being okay with taking back a little of my life. The day that I got that B, I spent six hours studying and then decided that the best thing for me was a break, so I went to the movies and got ice cream with a friend. And sure, I could’ve spent another six hours studying, because there will always be more that I could do, I could always invest more time into a project, work harder, study longer, sleep less- but you have to find the balance in life, and know that your grades do not define you. As cliche as that sounds, for people that deal with perfectionism, it can absolutely feel like your grades are a direct reflection of your worth as a person. So here’s the reminder, for anyone that needs to hear it, including myself, that your grades are just a letter or a number. They are not your happiness, they don’t get to make you feel less than, they shouldn’t steal your joy. So work hard, be proud of yourself, go the extra mile, but remember that life is about balance. Don’t get so focused on that end goal of graduation that you forget to enjoy the journey of getting there. 

*Note- today I spent eight hours studying and finished a paper for my capstone class that I’ve spent nearly twenty hours on over the last week. Soooooo, I’m still working on that whole balance/perfectionism thing. 

Starting Over

It seemed like a good a night as any to start over. Without putting much thought into it, I wiped the slate clean. A decision I may regret later, but in the moment it seemed like the right call. This space was once such a huge part of my life, and I'll cherish everything that it once was. I don't even remember the original name of this blog. It's went through an identity change a few times. It's morphed and grown with me, and then it sat in silence for the past two years, as I'd simply grown out of this space. Nostalgia pulled me back though, and I found myself wanting a fresh start. Don't get me wrong- I'm thankful for the 80,000 visitors that this space has seen over the years. I'm thankful for the hundreds of bloggers I met through this space, the connections I made, the friends I got to know. But life is about growing, and I closed the chapter of my life that was blogging. As much as I loved that time in my life, I can't say I loved having my teenage years so intricately documented on social media. That was one of the very things that drew me away from blogging in the end. I reached a point in my life where every aspect of my life felt so public. Blogging, running a branch of the Odyssey, writing for the Odyssey, three Instagram accounts, twitter, facebook, snapchat, pinterest, and three emails. It was overkill. I was glued to my phone, and my online presence largely ruled my life. It seems only natural that after all of that I would become a much more private person. I've slowly returned to loving Instagram again- that's really my niche. I love documenting life through photos. I don't have any desire to become a public blogger again, but I do miss the writing. That's the one thing that I always loved so much about blogging (besides the photography), was the writing. So I don't know what this means. I don't know if I'll write a little or a lot on this space, but just knowing that it's here, that it's wiped clean, that it can be whatever  I want it to be- it's a reassuring feeling.